Are you okay? Mzima?

I think I am just over this question! Are you okay? Mzima? I feel like hili swali watu tunaliuliza sana kama vile desturi tu na hatuna maana kwamba tunataka kufahamu kweli kama tunaowauliza ni wazima au vipi.

Unaponiuliza kama ni mzima are you ready to hear all that I have to say? Uko tayari kuufahamu ukweli wa hali yangu? Au unataka kuonekana kwamba umechukua sekunde yako moja kuniuliza kama mzima? Uonekane tu unajali?

Unapouliza kama mzima, upo tayari kutumia dakika 10 zako za mimi kukuelezea hali halisi ya uzima wangu? Je, upo tayari kusikiliza bila kutoa hukumu juu ya majibu yangu?

unaponiuliza kama mzima this is what you expect to happen: 🙁

You: mzima Jane?

Me: yeah yeah… Niko poa kabisa. Vipi wewe?

You: aah poa tu. Mambo yanaenda. Tupo.

Me: ooh fresh aisee.

But the truth is whenever you ask me kama I am okay, I want to tell you no. I am not okay. No. I cry myself to sleep every night. Nataka kukwambia kwamba sipo okay… sipo okay kwasababu I don’t feel okay. I feel like my world is crumbling. I feel like I am not getting where I want to be.

Kila unaponiuliza kama mzima kuna wakati nataka kukwambia hapana kwasababu najihisi mpweke. Kwasababu naona hakuna linaloenda sawa katika maisha yangu na nimekata tamaa. Nina huzuni. 

And at times when you ask if I am okay, I want to tell you, yes, I am okay. I want to tell you how happy I am. Nataka kukwambia kwamba maisha yangu ni mazuri sana, nayapenda. Naenjoy.

I want to tell you how blessed I am or how I feel like I am the happiest person in the world or jinsi gani ninapendwa.

But no, I will not give you the details of how I am. Sitakwambia because you are going to judge me either way. And you definitely cannot give me your 5 minutes kusikiliza tu kama mzima, why? Wakati nikiendelea kukusimulia, badala ya kunisikiliza na kunielewa utanihukumu na muda wote utakuwa ukifikiria unijibu nini nikimaliza kuongea. 

So, unauliza kama I am okay? Kama niko mzima? Yes. I am okay… in fact niko poa kama unavyoniona. 

Until next time,

Jane 🙂